Regrets, Fear, and Anxiety. I have seen myself regretting the choices that I made in the past. I have seen myself fearing the current decisions, and I have been in a place to be anxious about the future.
I did not have to think much to realise this is not uncommon. Whenever I talk to people, I see most of them going through similar or different versions of the same, or at least most of us have been in this place of self-blame and self-doubt.
According to evolution, these worries have served humans for several years so well, by helping their survival in the world. It is only natural for us to have stress responses. That brings us to the point – stress is a part of life, and some level of stress is necessary for our survival. Even in today’s world, stress is helpful in several instances. For example, stress about an interview can make a candidate prepare well.
Stress becomes maladaptive when our stress response is unhealthy for our system. Stress response can occur in many ways, from great dedication and commitment at work/study to physical symptoms such as perspiration, shortness of breath, racing heart, panic, anxiety attacks, and behavioural ways such as anger, yelling, and sometimes even throwing things when it is not managed well.
However, sometimes when the stress is unmanaged in situations in which stress is not serving you well, it can start to impact the body and mind negatively. As an example, the memory of an unpleasant event from the past can make a person relive that moment today, though they are safe today. Or seeing the body language of a stranger that is very similar to that of someone else you do not like might sometimes create some unnecessary stress.
As you read further, you will notice how many controllable factors exist to manage day-to-day stress well. Addressing the root cause of the stress is always helpful to disassociate the stress response from a particular trigger. The tendency to push the discomfort under the rug and act ‘normal’ when something uncomfortable is going on within the mind is a common habit for many. Suppression of unpleasant emotions is so common that a lot of us still think it is normal. This habit could show up in different ways, such as thinking that you can just drink up emotions, or simply not address them, or even run away from the uncomfortable emotions, or it could even be simply not having the awareness or the tools for processing and releasing the pent-up emotions.
A healthier approach would be not seeing stress as a demon and embracing it as part of the human experience. So it gives a chance to not run away from or push away uncomfortable emotions.
Uncomfortable situations do try to teach us something. Changing the script into ‘What is this situation telling me?’, from ‘What is wrong?’, could be a great step to a new beginning.
Is a pang of guilt after a certain action reminding you of you going against your values? Or is it reminding you of your values?
Is your anger on someone telling you that you were not treated well? What else could it be?
Is your rage talking to you about the disrespect that you experienced?
A good example of harm caused by not processing the emotions would be how an emotionally immature person can handle ‘envy’. Envying someone else for something that they have, whether that is materialistic or non-materialistic, might indicate that you do not have it with you, but you badly want to have it. Many emotionally immature people, unaware of ways to understand the ways to handle it, unconsciously turn their envy into contempt towards the other person, potentially ruining a good relationship and opportunities that come with it. Moreover, the possibility of understanding what you are desiring so badly is dismissed here. Next time a similar situation occurs, chances are that they will repeat the same mistake.
Staying with and addressing your own emotions also equates to ‘growth’ as a human. It would not be considered as growth in the materialistic sense. However, fewer unwanted stress reactions mean better health. If you value yourself and your health you get my point here.
Resentments about past decisions are common. Knowing the better comes with it. However, there is a beautiful place to be somewhere in between these two ends. And that place would be the sacred place of accepting both sides and liberating yourself from the distortion. While you acknowledge the resentment, you could also acknowledge that the past-you who went through hardships has made it possible for the current-you to be in a better place today. And future-you is a different person. They know what they want and how they want it, when their time comes.
Journal Prompts for something that still bothers you from the past:
- What are my feelings associated with a particular incident in the past? (Refer to a feelings chart online to name the feelings better)
- How else could that situation have been, which would have made me not resentful?
- What did I learn from this situation?
- Am I self-blaming?
- How can I be kind to the past-me, with actions of self-compassion, or words of affirmation?
Sending Love and Light your way.